Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in duckybrand's LiveJournal:

Sunday, January 8th, 2006
5:00 am	The best me... Tonight...was expensive. And was the last night of such. I can't believe I let myself go this way. Thankfully this is the first weekend of the semester. This won't happen again. I spent 50 at Good time Charley's for about 7 shots and 2 beers...wow. Oh, and I smoked 2 cigarettes. I think that by trying to lose myself however, I found myself. I found who I was by passing through the quick hardway. Without any direct answers to what I was chasing, I realized that I am not going to. Infact, I think this may be poison that I should avoid intense contact with. Not that it is anyone's fault but mine, because it isn't. What I need to do is some detox which will happen tomorrow. I will continue my workout schedule which seems to be working for me as well as finish cleaning out the storage closet and finishing all of my homework about 4-5 days early, and of course do the readings. I think that essentially, I am going to immerse myself in work. I think this is the best way to immediately derail my life from my side project into something 110% more productive. It's just what needs to happen. By the end of the semester, I want to have done everything I can do for my house, be in amazing physical shape and have great grades to show what I can do in Aero. I think after all this, I am strong enough now to take on almost anything and I am going to be ready for it. I must thank my adversity for this as I couldn't do this without it, oh and God for existing and not giving me more than I can handle. And my family (especially Grandma) for giving me my sense of humor and love. By the way, I love my house. Some people are so amazing that they make my heart breathe life no matter what. Thank you so much. Current Mood: determined (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
3:12 pm	About this week... Well, this week has been a mix of things. The three main themes have been school, saying goodbye, and a hint of chasing something that's not there (for lack of a smaller term). I guess this has kinda been the theme over the last two months...but hey, more of the same is what's there, I've gotta tell it like it is. So...quick list: School, I think I'm going to have a good time with classes except Aero 335. That class sounds like a bitch from everyone I've talked to except those who are completely in love with propulsion. I do think I'm going to enjoy my classes overall though. I have 7 credits this semester which involve Matlab. This makes me happy, I need a refresher and to get back into the swing of things(programming). Let's say...next is Loss, that's a fun one. So loss of Stashia which is turning into a mess, she is constantly upset with me or because of me, I can't figure it out and she won't tell me, she just texts me and usually depresses me...I'm starting to get past feeling bad about it though. And with that theme is Rabea leaving, my personal counsel has left...hehe...and I am going to miss her greatly. She added so much of a positive vibe to this house, I don't know how we are going to pick up. Then finally there is something to chase that is completely not worth it. I guess my best advice to myself would be...something like "STOP IT...YOU"RE NOT HELPING ANYTHING" but, I attached myself to the idea long ago. And although not attached to what I am chasing so closely, I am attached the idea very highly which prevents me from thinking very logical thoughts. I go daily from saying, "I'm going to play it cool" to quizzing people on, "omg...what should I do?...how long should I wait?...is there a chance at all?" It is some crazy shit. My best advice I think was on compatability issues. This advice was to the effect of saying that my best strategy was really to be myself and not seem so...how shall we say...overly giving...wait...but I am....I just realized that...what do I do now. Fuck it, I'm me, which means I'm alone for quite some time. Wanna know why? Cause that's the way that society is. See good friends aren't attractive. I know I'm a good friend, which means I am generous, I listen, I do my best to make you feel better...etc. Well, believe it or not, this is not at all what women look for. Anyone could argue this with me, but you will lose. See, it's not just a coincidence that so many good women end up with jerks, or that there are so many "great guys" that do not have anyone. This is the way that it is....well at least in general terms. As a side note this is probably true vice versa with men and women, but I have more experience with the current example. Then after have fun, they settle down with what? Someone safe and caring and kind, once all the passion has been sucked out of their lives. Ah, how refreshing. Therefore, I think I have quite a wait in front of me. Horray for 2nd, 3rd,...18th round draft picks....shit... Current Mood: hungry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
3:12 am	Happy New Year?...I guess So, I went to Necto with a bunch of people. I like the people I went with. I was especially happy that Christa and Matt decided to come down and I believe at least Christa had some fun. After the $25, one $7.50 drink and three coronas I'm out a $50 on the night. So, what do I have to show for it? I'm not sure. I have the fun of coming back and hearing a voicemail where Stashia tells me she's gonna have fun spending New Years with another guy, I don't care, but it's a really shitty reminder that she kinda has someone and I don't and probably won't for quite a while. So let's put that in the minus column along with the $50 down. Let's put the people in the plus column. Then there was this period of time where there was Me, Anthony, Megan and her friend Leah. During this time, dancing was alright...except trying to help ward off constant pounce attempts by random guys. I guess that part was kinda fun in some ways, let's give that one a +/-. So, all in all, better than staying in Grand Rapids and wondering what would have been I guess. I think the only true negative that would have given value to anything else would have been what I know I can't write about. Just something more I guess is all I can say. I think that I'm realizing little by little that this is impossible for me in either a specific case, or even generally. What's wrong with me...I try not to be so pessimistic, but I know my intuition on some things is always true. In my current situation (the specific case), I can't help but see so many signs that point to the pessimistic outcome. Yet, I vow to stay optimistic on this one throughout so that when I look back, I will have proven my intuition correct on it's own merit and not because of my own self doubt. I guess that's what I've got right now...and that's what I'll continue to think about, as damaging as it may be. I just feel like I am going to burst with this feeling soon...and that won't be good... In short, to answer the part of this weekend showing me the way...it's a step closer, but not as much as I would have hoped. It's analogy time: So it's like I left a comfortable town and went off into the woods, it's dark right now and I'm really afraid. I know which town I want to get to, but I don't know if they'll accept me there and the deeper I travel to find this place, the further in the woods I will be. If I decide to give up, I'm still in the woods. If the next town doesn't want me, I'm still in the woods. Damn it... Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
5:54 am	About sleep...and life Days go by and turn into weeks and still I have the inability to just go to sleep. I have tried to deprive myself thinkingn that I will be able to get back on track. Like tonight...I should have passed out about 8 hours ago, yet it's 6 a.m. and I am still awake. I think I'm going to stay up and try again tomorrow night...only I'll be totally exhausted so it will work better...hmm... Well, I think I'm going to Ann Arbor for New Years. It's somewhat of a stab in the dark. It is definately different, but I think following the rest of the events and feelings associated with the preceding semester, it is fairly appropriate to end this year on a similar note. I would also like to see what happens with the people I surround myself with. I know it's going to be fun, no matter what. That's my only goal is to feel no regrets on the evening and enjoy. I just wish I could better hand pick the people that were there, or maybe I can? MUAHAHAHAHAHA...we'll see what we can do about that. I'm not passing up a road trip to New York and Jason's Grand Rapids party for something shitty, that's for sure. I'm done with Drama. Or am I? Will I ever be? Who am I? Where am I going in a personal sense? When I can answer these, I think I would be able to sleep more. Maybe this weekend will bring some insight. "Nobody knows, Nobody knows That all the little pieces come apart All the little pieces of your heart All the little pieces come apart All the little pieces of your heart If you happen to look away from the people and you feel the prick from pins and the needles all which have been stuck into your arms and all of your cries have been false alarms and you can't pick up the pieces no, you can't pick up the pieces awwwwww...." -Louis XIV, All the little pieces (seems appropriate with my current unwavering state) Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
4:00 am	And all that Jazz... So, it's been a little bit. What's happened? Well, Christmas was wonderful. My grandma's Christmas hasn't been so great in about 10 years. It was very cheerful, with a nice hint of rememberance of my grandpa. Very beautiful. After some rough patches I think things are panning out with the Stashia situation, we're not together and we're ok. So let's list the good things: grades were amazing this semester, Christmas was great, off until next thursday, the New Year could bring opportunities to "attest my inclinations", and at this point that's all I need. Molly and Rabea came to visit, that was fun, I love showing people Grand Rapids. If anyone else wants to see the city, just let me know. I have a wonderful price, 10 hour tour of the city and lodging for free. Just come see the splendor that is the Grand Rapids...ahaha. Well, I want New Years eve to be a good one. I guess that's my only concern at this point, oh and I guess sleep is another concern...I need that too. Nye Night. Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
2:01 pm	So...the thing about us is... Ok...one last procrastination attempt. Seeing as I have 47.5 hours until my final final, this will be my last post until Thursday night? Yesterday was great. Pizza House is always a good idea, although some tensions...argh...some of us just need to get away from each other. While others, I wouldn't mind having around always. I need to start planning my break also. I'm not just going to hang out in my grandma's basement for two weeks typing up PHP code and ordering textbooks online for next semester. I won't have it. I will spend a fair amount of time with my grandma, she needs as many people around as possible for Christmas. Wow...I just realized if I stop over at my grandma's and run away from Christmas dinner at my sisters for a bit...there will be 4 people at my family's Christmas...and 4 generations. My great-g., grandma, aunt and me. Hmmm...maybe I should get a picture. Anyways. I will miss some people at the house. Being home will give me a different perspective though. Ok...I'll do some work, go to a friends b-day party and do some more work...and clean out the storage closet..."ahh...to be mango..." Current Mood: mellow (Comment on this)
Monday, December 19th, 2005
2:03 am	At the Dana Building wasting time Well, I guess I am not really wasting time. Spent the night discussion people's sex lives...mainly mine...and the importance of making out, which was enlightening. I guess I would call myself an open person...cause I mean for God sakes, I'm now writting a journal entry about it...ahahahaha weird. I shouldn't let myself write entries at 2 a.m. Today was good I guess...went to a review session, studied a little. Found out that my lowest grade will be either a C+ or B- which isn't bad since I didn't care much about the class, didn't have as much time as I would have liked to spend on it...physics 340 bah. Liked the professor though, I would work for his tech company. He is very into what he is doing. Roy Clarke if anyone cares. Not too enthusiastic by nature, but a wonderful 340 prof. The Aero grades, not too much to worry about there. So I have one grade to worry about which is my exam on Thursday...woo hooo. So much of a stress reliever getting my 340 grade today. So Dana building...lovely place to pull an all nighter. Especially if you can sneak in on weekends, you'll have the whole place to yourself. Have a good night all. Current Mood: for a change (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 17th, 2005
9:23 pm	What is alone? So...I think I just realized that I need some time to myself. I have made myself addicted to people lately. For no particular reason other than the fact that I don't have to face myself. Some days are better than others. I also can't rely totally on my friends reassurance. I've been told over and over again that the decisions that I am making are the right ones. That I am handling things "very well". What things appear to be and what they are inside are of course two separate things. Such as right now. I seriously wonder whether or not, by putting myself in control and leading my situation with Stashia, I have taken the reins of something I cannot control. Will I be solely responsible for ruining my life? All I know is that a little over a month ago, I felt comfortable being by myself, retreating into my own space, and I had a life that I had a fairly accurate prediction on, I had my father. Now, I have two very large burdons...and friends. Therefore, why would I ever want to be alone. I'm forcing myself to be alone. Probably completely alone for the rest of the night and possibly for the entire day tomorrow while I study up on North Campus. Eric called today. I think that was a good thing. We hadn't talked much in a few months. I was able to give him a small intro into what is going on with me and he did the same for me. I always appreciate the contact with old friends. Even if they aren't the strongest relationships, they remind you of what you have been and why you are where you are. I probably put too much emphasis on it, but I do know it made me feel better. I also talked to my grandma. When I talk to her lately, I feel taken back to looking at my grandfather the last time I saw him alive. It's somewhat erie, but also beautiful and I like it. I can't wait to spend some time with her when I go back to Grand Rapids. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
4:04 am	First Entry Today...I decided to stay up till 6am. I don't believe that this is going to pan out though. I should sleep soon. Going to try to get up for the UCLA basketball game. Since we are undefeated, it seems like a good idea. I haven't been to a game since the home opener. Today...interesting. My 20 hour day started at 8 this morning after 5 hours of sleep. Helped Karen bind our report for Aero 405. Then off to study for Physics 340 and write sections for Aero 384. All in all, two projects and an exam accomplished by 6pm. Not too happy about the exam, but not too attached to my 340 class anyways. One exam left...next Thursday. That means a little time to breathe...and that's just what I did when I got home. Organized a little snow fight with Black Elk (the Co-op across the street), chaos ensued. I love my house. You'll hear me saying that a lot. I have the pictures to prove it. I would show them to you, but I don't feel like it. Trust me...a lot of snow and a lot of awesome. So much awesome... Anyways, then we watched The Village. One of them thar M Night Shamalamadingdong movies. Great movie, it reminded me of a childhood novel that escapes me now. Anyways. Then everyone suddenly went to sleep and I felt very sad. And I talked to Stashia and she told me that some guy hit on her and she danced with another one. And that made me feel much better...and obviously more sarcastic. So...still in limbo with my life. I could use my extra breathing room to try to create a strategic pounce...but that would probably be a bad idea at this point in time (funny thing is, no one would know what that means...well maybe a couple people in my house). I have 6 days to study for this next test, I am going to have fun with it. Ok...time to sleep, wake up and have pancakes with Dick Vitale, literally...well...hopefully. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)